And the Sun Sets..

According to Dartmouth literature, as a member of the ethnic-studies department, Cuellen learned "to empower students of color to move beyond being objects of study toward being subjects of their own social realities, with voices of their own. (here)

..On this phase of my life? On this blog, more than anything. It's been an interesting ride since I graduated from Umich but after this week, I've definitely come to realize how much I care about where I've been, where I come from, and where I'm going from here and, of course, the people I've met along the way.

As for this next phase in my life, I'm not really sure what this summer will bring, or if anything will come out of it. And I don't know if I'll make it out alive.

You see, I have a few seroius fatal flaws to all of this uplifting development that has occurred in my life within the past year, or so. The keyboard to my computer is symbolic of it all. I have this object in front of me that is bursting with potential, but it hurts to just touch the thing. I can't even get to step 2 without sacrificing my physical health. What am I to do? I'm in Korea, it's not completely foreign, but I am still a foreigner. I can't just easily step out of my door, and go to an Apple center where I can express myself SO easily. And even when you are able to say your strategic words, when it comes down to it, it just doesn't help. I'm still

stuck

And, really, I see most of my development due to my enjoyment in simply where I am and, yes, to the few people in my life who bring moments of brightness to my life. But why must it feel I'm going through this enternal cycle of pledging in my life? I already do SO MUCH to repair my emotions from the past. But YET, everyday, I am faced with some NEW difficulty. Did I ask for this??? I can't do it. I don't have the mental strenght to go from one burned out phase to another, and another and another.

I'm SICK of the higher forces controlling my environment, be it academia or the local government. And I've come to points of acceptance and appreciation, as I try to search for a greater reason for it all. But I'm tired, and I although my passive agressive nature helps me to take things then grumble my way out of them later...WHy do I even have to deal with it in the first place?

I DONT WANT TO SACRIFICE MYSELF ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I CAN'T STAND PEOPLE PUSHING THIS RELATIONSHIP. Were you not here the past 10 months of my life?!?! PLEASE watch my cctv and see that the kids were much more interested in themselves than in me. And let's just quietly forget a lot of these mismatches.

I woke up this morning feeling dizzy again. It's surprising how I even made it out alive after this week. My first week of classes at Yonsei University and I feel blah-ish. Once classes are done, I feel like I haven't retained a thing and I get a horrible case of the blahs afterwards. I was really happy to start this summer program, and I wanted to give it my full attention, but I haven't been able to since my body is screaming for my attention, and thoughts of moving house are swirling around. I have to do something about this ASAP or this "special" summer, won't be so special and I might as well have worked this entire summer. What's the point of taking it easy since I feel like it isn't so easy? I don't know how much easier I can make my life, but it feels so difficult. I get up and I feel dizzy. I go to class and I feel like my memory is being erased. I want to go work out, but I feel bloated. Today was day 10 of running and I acually gained a pound over the past couple of days from NOT working and from eating stuff like mac n cheese, ramen, and three meals a day rather than the 2 I ate over the past few months.

Maybe I have no sense of routine?

I tried to change around my sleeping schedule a week before classes began, but it doesn't seem like it worked. Yes, I shoot out of bed for fear of missing YET AGAIN another couple of months of school, and it just makes me think, "Why am I taking classes? Obviously I can't take it anymore and obviously I'm getting mentally raped."

So what the f*** IS the point?
Maybe I feel like enough is enough..

That's actually a fabulous question.
Why take this?