Restless..

God. Should I be working? Should I be painting? Should I be writing? Should I be working at a real job? Geez.
I thought I needed a break? Which I do. There is no way I'm going to stress out like I did just a few years ago, and this move was also motivated by the idea that I would have room to do what I enjoy in life~ But perhaps I just needed some.....time.

But time to keep thinking about what I thought about during my undergrad education? I think not. Perhaps it's time to unload that storm of emotion and thought. I just keep thinking about different ways. Guess I could just make a decision and sometime. Time time time. A theme? Of course. One thing holding me back is a lot of techinical difficulties. If only I could download several movies/day, hot damn my life would be peachykeen.

Right now, all I can think about is, "What the hell happened over the past year???"

-teaching English -Art classes -A surprising, funny friendship -Trying to stay sane under it all

Yes, I keep repeating those actions to myself and the thoughts keep juggling through my head, as I just try to keep up on a daily basis. And looking back on this year, I'm surprised that I had enough energy to keep going, well, up until a house guest left and the subsequent arrival of my mother for her second visit. As soon as she went back to the states, that's when I felt the NEED to hermit myself.

It was especially after my 'mirror' experiment - an experiment I conducted for ONE day - when I felt that I couldn't take it anymore. I just wanted it to end, and my emotions were predominantly driven by my anger and regret. "What happened to opportunities this year, what happened to the time.." The garbage in my mind finally had a chance to unload, and unload it did. That period of UNinternalizing a lot of little shots that were made over the entire year went by quickly, much like my friend's farewell. It saddens me to think our time together came and went so quickly, and it feels as if another person is ready and waiting to take her place. Already??

That's another thing...this constant revolving door in my life.

My mom once told me that a visitor who stays longer than 2 weeks is a burden. But it's gotten to a point where I want *someone* to stick around, especially with the absence of my family, which has been both a blessing but also a new gap that yearns to be filled.

However, TEACHING ENGLISH has far exceeded my expectations, and I find myself entertaining the thought of persuing a career that would allow me to write more creatively..? What about the art, right? Humph. I feel confused about many things in my life and my enjoyment in teaching is refreshing feeling. Not to mention, just taking things one day at a time. I wonder how I've landed on my feet, perhaps I'm part feline?

The thought of writing, the thought of pursuing art, the thought of teaching...oiy. It's funny to just admit these things to myself and to my close friend. I just caught up briefly with this close friend of mine who is out in Washington right now, finishing up her masters in some environmental degree by doing some tree-hugging this summer. Perhaps the thought of her saving the environment inspired me to 'save' this blog by changing the template, too. Nice, huh? I think it feels ...fresher. Like a fresh...bowl of salad! MMMmmm..yea.

But I am 25, and I'm just starting this new life of mine. Do I have what it takes...do I have anything within me that says that this is my path...