Mending a broken heart..

But if only you could see them,
You would know from their faces.
There were kings and queens,
Followed by princes and princesses.
There were future power people,
Throwin love to the loveless.
Shining a light 'cause they wanted it seen.

Well there were cries...
Well there were cries of why...

Followed by cries...
Followed by cries of why not

Can I,

Reach out for you if that feels good to me.....?
Reach out for you if that feels good to me ?

And the riders will not stop us,
'Cause the only love they'll find is paradise. (Future Love Paradise by Seal)



Although I may let it all out in this, one thing I'm not suffering from is - in terms of falling in love that is - a broken heart. A lonely heart, maybe, but definitely not a broken one. Perhaps I'm lucky in this respect because the last time I felt like I had a broken heart from a serious relationship was more on a familial level. No, there isn't any sexual abuse or incest involved in that.. take your sexual inuendos elsewhere for right now.

When it comes to most of my relationships, I've luckily been the one to call it off or at least felt that it was dwindling and bounced before dragging it out for too long, which sadly resulted in burning some bridges. I've learned my lesson since, I hope. And so there was one year where I risked a lot. (You could say that I was influenced by family members, and I wanted to 'live it' in order to understand it. Well, there are some experiences you don't have to live in order to appreciate. History may help you with that insight..) During that time, these risks involved breaking a lot of stereotypical relationship codes, like waiting for the guy to ask me out, which comes with the expectation that the guy is supposed to initiate everything. I thought to myself, "Hey, this isn't the 18th century where women don't have a place outside of the home. This is modern day America, where girls go out and take ahold of their opportunities," and I went for it. Games and everything included...it wasn't my most triumphant year.

Here I am waiting for the next phase of my life, where I'm really looking/waiting for that next deeper connection with a guy, even though I vowed never to let the next one get the best of me unless I felt REAL love..but...I sit here, wondering...am I going to be the one who will be left heartbroken this next time?

Yes, luck has been on my side this past year, but this underlying cautious (protective^^) edge within tells me to beware...
I wonder if I will ever find a that niche with one person - a moment I took for granted in the past.

But what about those hearts that have been broken? Especially the hearts of my friends, the ones who can't help but wear their hearts courageously on their sleeves. And in today's world, it's an act of bravery that I miss - it's not so easy to hide your secrets in the closet anymore, even if it's about your toenail clippings. Do I just look on without recognizing what he/she has been through? Of course not! What insensitive (&&^$#$@@%@ would do that?

To be continued, promise.

Yea...I was thinking about putting in my good ol' poli sci learning into this and raise the voice of this to something a bit more lofty..but..nah..I already feel my heart closing in and my emotions disconnecting.. No offense to those of you out there, I'm just young and I need to get over a lot of redtape in my life. The redtape my parents never really knew of unless it had a bill attached to it..

Unless of course it was for something like...ordering snoopy bandaids for my dads office or something...