Naps..

I've been taking naps again now that my evening class got cancelled. I suppose I had a lot to do with teaching in the morning, korean lang. classes, then teaching afterwards. And although I don't have that schedule anymore, it did remind of something a friend of mine mentioned about schedules, "The more I have to do, the more productive I am." At the time, I didn't really agree (or immediately disagree) since being TOO busy to me is like running around for no reason except to just keep up with everyone else. But ironically, I was much busier than I am now and I don't think it's helping. So, do I agree with what he said now?

Well first, it makes me wonder about the quality of my actions, thoughts, and behaviors. I was busier then, and I do have more time to put more effort into things right now. But I can't think straight, I can't concentrate, and I am unenergetic. For someone who has an abnormally high energy level (someone who can juggle an internship, classes, and evening 'activities' has to have a high energy level in order to go through with everything) this is extremely frightening. I'm not healthy and I think if ate regularly, I would be putting on massive amounts of weight. If I had that eating buddy who asked me to go out and eat and go to restaurants for every meal, I would definitely be gaining weight right now and I would feel horribly guilty in the process. So I know my body cannot function regularly, I can't keep turning over my thoughts to how they should be, and I can't motivate myself to keep going. I need breaks, I need naps and I need rest. I need an out, more or less.

So then I think about the moments where I was in Korea and I didn't feel so horrible. And the thing is, I'm supposed to be around friends who pick me up and take me off to the noraebangs 'cuz that's what you do for fun in Seoul. Or you go to bars, or you go to cafes, or you to go the movie theatre. I haven't gone to a movie in 3 months? I haven't gone to a cafe outside of tutoring or studying in a long time, and I haven't gone shopping in a while, too. This all takes money to do, and that's another thing. I haven't been working like I did last year, and so there goes the comfort of spending. My life is obviously not in my hands anymore, and I don't hate going to classes at Sogang, it's just not a very good lifestyle for me right now.


I have to think back to when it was better, but it's so difficult to get my mind moving towards a better direction. I miss the times when I made new friends, we went clubbing 3 nights a week, and we drank a lot of soju. I miss hurting my liver, and not feeling it, and I miss having better skin, too. I sound somewhat like a burnout, and maybe I feel like one. And the thing is, I've been trying to fight this feeling but I can't anymore. I feel this way, and it's not the absolute bottom of the barrel like how I survived college, but there is no way in hell that I'm ever going to go through that again.

My sister helps me to feel better about that because she admitted to feeling depressed once in her life, but she's never gone through such a phase ever again. But I miss the PACE of Korea, I miss the energy. And I miss doing what I'm supposed to do, or what I've done with my friends in the past, aside from however shallow my view of Seoul was. It wasn't THAT shallow because I did get to know another side of myself, and I was from seeing myself with a group of friends. I never let that go and I'm not about to let it go. I may let go of myself and what I see for myself, but I can't let that go. I see myself living near them one day, and I pray that it will happen.

It was so easy to feel assimilated, yet not. But that's ok since that's how we all felt. It is fun to talk about how we had different takes on it all, and some of us, the especially close ones, would sit at cafe and just shoot the breeze and tell one another what we saw and felt that day. No matter what kind of state of mind and body I may have been in during those times, I'll never regret taking those moments to stop and think with someone else. God knows that the pace can be overwhelming and extremely exciting at the same time. Sometimes it just works for some people and other times it just doesn't. You don't want to be the loser who just sits alone not getting along with anyone - that's another common thought while in Seoul. You have to be up and moving around with someone else.

And I don't mind that, as much as I tried to distance myself from others in Michigan. In Korea was when I really tried and gave it my all, gave my best. And I surprised myself, to see what that best was, and what other people had to say about it, too. I was someone else, and I was better than I was back in Michigan.

There is something interesting about a hometown that I immaturely overlook; it's a place where you grow up, go through your awkward phases, and you get to know the town and everyone there. But did I see everyone clearly? I suppose with time and maturity it finally happened. But I was more conscious of what other people thought of Michigan later on, and I suppose after 24 years of living there, it happens.

Now that I'm here, in Seoul, I don't want that just yet.