Boohlsanghae?

It's Friday night and I just got in from teaching..OIY, *sigh* and let out a deep breath that just sort of grumbles, really. There I stood, waiting for the bus to stop in front of the Coffee Bean, and I just felt so dispirted. I picked myself up to get off the bus and I shoved off. The bus huff-puffed away and I looked up to see Hongdae thriving on a Friday night. Should I bet out hanging out with the other kids? The question wizzed by, but after a long day I just wanted some food in my tummy, and a slice of pizza or something. So after I stopped by the bank, I picked up a hotdog at a stand that's on the way to my place from the bus stop. I got in, droped my stuff to the floor and got comfy. Wash my face, change into some not-so-couture jammies, and I'm feelin better already.

It's been a long day and I've been up since 6:30am. I feel drained, and sore, and I'm not even sure why. I just know that my brain has been running all day, and it's time to just....relax. But I can't. My mind is still going, and my brain is still looking out for something, still reaching for something, still searching for something, but I don't really know what it is, except for a whole slew of questions that poured in and out of my mind today. Sometimes I wonder, "Who cares? Who really listens to this stuff and who really wants to listen?" Most of the time I just remember all of the conversations with people where I just rambled, cried, screamed, or just let out all my secrets (for that semester), and I don't know whether or not it did anything for our relationship, but I always wanted to go back for more. "Give me more!" my emotions told me. But my friends' reactions were always a bit...shocking, or maybe stunned, and not stunning. *sigh* Sometimes they even seemed offended by how I felt, but it didn't matter to the friends who knew I just had to let it out. I just had to talk it out, and I had to let someone I cared about know, and I couldn't hold it in anymore. It just hurt too much to pretend, and why should I keep pretending anyway? I wanted that connection with someone, and I was brave enough to just dive in.

Or so I thought.

One thing I will question right now is the whole objectification of women, and that women do not, really, objectify men. I think women try, but I think women do it for completely different reasons especially since because since women have been objectified, passed around, and stomped on so much, it just feels good to do it back. And maybe it gives us an ego adjustment, you could say, and of course women have egos, too. I have some friends, not all of them, who do just want to have fun and jump into steamy relationships and I think it's great. I clap and gasp and I'm so outwardly jealous, and yet so internally happy. It's a great feeling, but why do I hold myself back from doing the same? Maybe it's because for girls, it could be more of this fling type of relationship, rather than seeing it as something serious. When guys objectify women, do they do it because they are fascinated or because it is sort of hunting for game?

You could say that I'm especially upset these days, and I think I should be. I've had to deal with a lot of ATTITDUE filled men, and it's just gotten downright annoying. hahaha.. I think I can go on and on with this annoyance, but I don't think I'll ever find a guy who will fully make me happy if I keep that up, which isn't SO bad, except for the whole health reason stuff. The whole, "You know, Kimberly, you're skin will get SO much better AFTER you get married,"-hint-hint. Har har. So my raging hormones are a sign that I need a man in my life, but why deal with stuff that I felt like I was fedup with before? It's a scary feeling, that fedup-ness because it isn't easy to get out of it. But when you do, you gotta hold on and hold on tightly. There isn't much a girl can do when she's been fedup with guys. She can grumble and mumble to herself and she'll just be labled as a "man-hater," which will get her nowhere and fast.