I feel mauled over, beaten, bruised, and in need of some true, genuine friendship from a real girl. I've been feeling this way for the past few weeks, really. The emotional turmoil within has piled up within me and I can't help but try and find a better way to deal with it. Will heaven save me? Please. I can't even push aside these different competing voices within and enjoy meeting a cute new tutor. Yes, I've decided to learn Japanese. I feel very pleased with having made the decision to learn a new language, and I'm excited. However, I'm not so excited about how I feel by the end of the week. Minds coming together, well, it's all very exciting and a story in and of itself, but dramas ensue. For me? Well, sorry, but no female substitutions, please. However cute you may be, speech impediments and what have you, just one real girl. :( It's sounds like a wish for the stork to send me a baby girl. Should I go Angelina Jolie and adopt? Maybe I should put out an ad in the paper? Ah, and the writing. Well, I started doing some writing and I've been writing in this blog almost everday as if to make things easier for myself, but I'm starting to worry about my state of mind, especially since I spend a considerable amount of time alone comparitively. How IS (or should) one to deal with this without incurring too much permanent damage, an excellent question..
Of course I have no idea what to do with it all, but I do know what I like, and I hang on tightly, as if hoping that I'll find salvation the next day. I feel bad because it's not like people are seriously out to get me or anything, and I don't blame them for not knowing what they could have done in their lives. What should I do? And my last complaint, my books. I NEED REAL books. My tv, I don't care about. My food, I'm starting a zone diet soon. My apartment, I don't know. My job to pay the bills, that will start again in September. What makes me happy? What do I do with my time? Writing? Am I giving it a shot? Slowly. The painting, an escape. Struggling for sanity, for peace of mind, for life..
Perhaps I am just starting to feel the pains of being a foreigner in Korea? My friends from the states haven't emailed, my parents haven't called, and my brother..well, I don't know when he's visiting me especially since my siblings have dropped off of the face of the Earth. I'm lucky in many ways, but I feel as if I'm placed in the spotlight, pushed there for some reason. I don't feel any sort of extreme negativity or hate, it's just more this buzz, a buzz that just won't stop and I have no idea why it's following me. A buzz in my head, a buzz on the bus, and a buzz in the crowd. I feel comfort in the masses, just another face in the crowd. Please, encompass me and hide me way. I think and think to myself without really knowing the consequences or the results of what I'm doing and it's worrisome. Worry, worry, worry, and what stops those worries is hearing an answer as if I've been heard, as if something has been felt. But considering how I live, it doesn't happen often enough. Where is my helicopter? I wish I had a million dollars so I could go buy one and a cute pilot to go along with it.
Once upon a time, when I was in a truly intimate relationship, life was in a complete bubble for me. I just worried about my homework, going to my classes, going to my extracirriculars and my boyfriend, however posessive he may have been. We didn't really know if we had anything in common, we didn't know if our career interests conincided with one another, we were just two kids who fell into a relationship with one another. When it ended, I didn't know what to do but I just knew it had to end. I couldn't control how I felt about him, my best friend and hated boyfriend in one body. I wanted to talk to him and yet I wanted to hate him at the same time. I knew that I was completely dependent on him, and he knew it, too, and of course he knew I would always go back, even after our most heated fights. There I would be, completely composed one moment, and the next we were fighting about this or that, and the next moment I was throwing books around the room, throwing unwanted jewelry at him, yelling, screaming, calling him the most awful names, hate blazing through my eyes I rip myself from out of his grasp, push him away, and run out of his place.
It wasn't even that he treated me poorly or anything, either. He often showed up at the library with candy and snacks. Out of nowhere, and without telling him where I was going, he would just always know, intuitively with his posessive bf instinct, where I was. Then again, it wasn't too difficult at the time since I was always at the same spot in the library, mindlessly a creature of habit. This short little Korean American kid from another part of Michigan, with this little smile on his face, he would show up in the middle of the night and open his bag of goodies: sour jelly candies, something salty and my favorite drink at the time. I thank him for the beginning of many addictions in my life, namely candy. I yearned for that extra portion of sweetness in my life during my study sessions from then on after. My tastes later settled on sour patch kids as my fav. But dammit, how did he have such an lasting effect on my sleeping habits? I wasn't able to sleep soundly for long time after we broke up. I have a horrible time getting over break ups, and I try to avoid horrible ones at all costs. I think girls often times suffer a great deal more than guys do. It seems so much easier for guys to pick up and move on. Sometimes it's just about picking a girl and deciding to date her. I don't know, rebounds were not my thing, although I'm trying to be more mature about it.
The times he wanted to 'talk it out' I couldn't take it; the room started to take different shape, the walls started to melt and take this awful grey cast to them, and I felt like I was trapped, suffocating, and powerless...? Powerless? As if I didn't have my own voice? As if I didn't have a say in what I wanted to do in my life? As if I didn't know how I felt? That our relationship just died out, that I wasn't in love, that everything we did turned to mud, and I saw him as this completely different person from when we first met. He was a manipulative, posessive, two-faced, and tried to make me love him, and I just couldn't. I didn't respect him. I just saw everything he did as beneath me, as cocky as that sounds. His apartment wasn't good enough, his car was this rusty beat-up jalopy of an automobile, all he did was work at this ice cream place in order to pay for his bills, and he just wanted to party. He was no longer motivated to do well in school, he didn't care about his grades, he was constantly skipping classes, and I felt incredibly insipid and trivial, but I yelled at him to change his life.
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