hong kong was RELAXING. i'm so glad i got the chance to stay with my friend and her family. it was so luxurious staying with her and all 4 of her sibs! and they have housekeepers and drivers! if that isn't comfortable living, then i don't know what suits my needs..
lately, i've been noticing little things that restore my faith in people. maybe it was especially from being in a household full of people, from ages 15 to 50 something, but there was never a moment when i was completely alone. well, except for my first day of shopping in times square. haha.. can't believe i shopped so much! time went by so quickly, and i regret not talking to cec even more. she's so opinionated and full of changes. she's getting into the unique crevices in her mind and it was so stimulating for me to finally hang out with her after two years. she's a well read 24 year old, and so there's never a dull moment in her mind. as for my restored faith, well, it's everything from a glance, to powerful words, to the energy within. whatever form it takes, it shines through and warms and craddles the heart.. sometimes i can't get over it. i keep myself wrapped up and it's easier to complain and point out the wrongs in everyone rather than openly accept how much another person helps you to feel so very real.
i don't know why i want to put an iron lock on my heart right now, but it's just what i feel that i need to do. especially from coming back from this vacation, i'm so angry that i have to lock myself up in a way. i've been holing myself in my apartment, afraid to do anything and so angry and everything that i read, no matter what it says. today was one day i read something in its entirety, mainly b/c i had to get with it in order to tutor. thank goodness it was fun. i have a tutee! yay!
but i can't help it. i have a heart that wants to gush and be obsessive about something, passionate about something, but i can't. i can't and i feel so afraid of getting hurt. i don't want to feel unappreciative. i don't want to feel like my life is crap, what i say is crap, my questions are crap, what i do is crap, that getting into art was something to pass the time, that writing recklessly is going to go somewhere, without a story, without an clear direction, without a blind sense of what it means even though i get all of these buzzes around my head. today was one day, besides from the weekend, where i hear something that comes from the heart and it makes all the difference. i can't stand latent messages anymore, politically correct snaps, and just repeating to myself that it doesn't matter...that i can share my mind, and it doesn't matter to me... even without any information sinking in..it's just all how i feel. how i take things. system less, structure less, story less...
i don't want it to have a system, or a structure, or a story made up of lies and bad intentions. i don't want that in my life!!! and i don't what i can do to express that even more! why do i have to live with things that i don't want to live with? why do i have to keep reaching for understanding when the only person who reaches back probably has so many people reaching as welll... what makes me special when i can't even feel special to anyone, when i don't even want to feel special to anyone anymore. when everything special in my life is displayed and i'm not even ready. i don't want to be around insensitive comments, i don't want to contribute to the insensitive retorts, and i don't want to make anyone feel less than what they truly are. i don't want that regret in my life..i don't care if don't have it, i don't care about anything anymore. i dont want to care, so what am i supposed to do
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