My three new friends followed me to my new apartment, what can I say. *sob* T.T And I'm someone who acted upon my Umich learning and told my students just a little over a year ago to beware of smoking and to "just say no!" Now look at me. Take away one friend, and I'm trying to fill my time with substitute after substitute, and no offense to all of you mr. soju, mr, cig, and mr. bag of chips lovers out there, it's just not my (regular) cup of tea.
I always fall for cigarettes when I least expect it, and you would think that I would quit and quit for good considering I was 1) never a real smoker and 2) it wrecks havok upon my skin, my oh-so-sensitive skin. But I bought them, dammit, and I'm going to enjoy hedonism even if it kills me. And besides hedonism, why not just be downright irresponsible. I have no other guiding principles that are saving me these days, and I should be getting my apartment in order, but I'm just not feelin it. I'm not feeling a lot of things and I just feel plain out of it. :( I think the times I feel most with it happen to be when I'm teaching. Sad, sad, SAD. T.T But who cares if I'm with it or not. And who knows? None of my friends from the US are sincerely emailing me and none of my friends around here have really stuck with me. They all seem to form some sort of grudge in reaction to my quiet grudge against mk.
YES. I formed a grudge against her and so what? She's a great kid and a good person, deep down somewhere. Just spiteful, and I HATE spitefulness. :( I think I had enough of it in college and it has chipped away enough of me where I just want to get the worst of it out right away or just not go there at all. I know a good friend when it comes along and I know when something is just not working for me. I can't pretend and keep going along with a facade, it just starts to make me feel icky inside. It's not right and why do I have to go along with something that makes me feel horrible? I already deterred enough in college, and that was enough.
So I let go last year, and I tried my best to make a friend. Studio classes in the morning, working at night, and then hanging out with a friend till late into the night..AND I tried to remain upbeat even after a long, long, long day. Gosh. It was really trying on my part, especially since I can easily shy away from people, which is what I did for most of my college life.
It's like the one shot takes it all out of me. All or nothing.
:(
And the more I think about it, the more fear builds up inside of me - a fear that centers around my relationships. I fear that when I go back to the US, my friends will all have moved on and I won't know them like I once did. I've read this on a couple of blogs that belonged to gyopos who were living in Korea last year that the longer they stay in Korea, the more distant they felt from the US, including the people they once knew in the US. And now that my one year mark has come and gone, I'm starting to feel a slight pang of the What If's..."What if my friends are moving on and don't give a hoot what I'm doing over here? What if they are somewhat jealous that I moved away to Korea and they stayed and got a regular job in the US? What if they go to school and I'm ready to go back and catch up with everyone? What if....there is nothing to talk about....?" *GASP*
Were my friendships that shallow that my friends will completely forget about me? And I don't have that friend who finishes my sentences for me, or the friend who knows every little thing about me to my favorite pair of underwear to my most embarassing moments - the "keeper" who dares never to reveal the truth to anyone else who doesn't 'know me'.
"You don't know me!"
It's so easy to say that when you're an Asian American girl, and one in a sorority. The chip that all Asian kids in America seem to have, and the especially jagged chips within the really organized groups. But, then, even when you surround yourself in organization after organization, are you that much safer than if you were alone? I wonder about that a lot these days as I wonder which direction my life is going to go when I do go back. As for right here, and right now, I know that I'm teaching English, and I know that I'm going to enjoy being in Korea as much as I can without abusing it too much. Abuse? Of course there is abuse, and Koreans will let you know, subtley, that there has been abuse, although in the past more than anything else. A gyopo knows that abuse but will not let you know in the least bit, and all the evidence that is left is the lingering chip.
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