JULY 26

i feel yucky! my brain and body are all jumbled and i feel like
shouting and not shouting and punching something and just flayling my
arms around just for the sake of it. today i got so angrier and
angrier and angrier and everything feels so blocked and congested and
disjointed and full of broken parts that i don't know where to even
begin and even when i start somewhere i still feel completely lost
like i'm swimming around in my own thoughts, just drowing and drowing
without realizing how i was thrown into the deep end. i can't get out
and it DOES feel like a trap to me. i keep arguing and retorting and
talking back about something just to feel like i have a firm stance on
my life, but it's spirling out of control and i don't know where it's
going. are my thoughts my own or are they someone else's? this
preoccupation of negative thought, an obsession with pessimism, is
engulfing me and changing me into something, someone i am not.
someone i despise, and someone who groups others in a faceless,
identityless mob, in order to place blame on someone for my lack of
self.

as i reach for understanding, it all seems to intesify and i have no
idea what to do except to contain myself, but it's a pot bubbling over
and spilling out over the sides, a complete mess. i can't stand it.
i feel obsessive compulsive about this disorder, disorganization, and
dysfunction in my life, and everything and everyone seems to blind me
from seeing my life clearly. it is something to do with objectivitiy
and subjectivity?

not necessarily, since i'm just fighting myself and yet not fighting
myself. it's a fight between right and wrong, correct and incorrect,
order and chaos, and emotion and rationality. i have to separate the
two in stead of divide and conquer. the seperation is more for sake
of safety rather than allowing the destructiveness to continue, like a
mad recking ball that demolishes skyscrapers into dust.

is dust all that will remain when i look back? unable to understand
and remember what really happened. the dust settles and i see
nothing, and i only feel regret over something great that might have
been. what good is that feeling? a feeling that tells you that you
are more than what you are, that the thing before you could have been
more than a pile of rubble, that your visions created this image
magnificent, towering ...

but dust is all that remains. and i only blame myself. could i have
done something else to stop it? i only feel that it's my fault for
letting things come to this. it feels fruitless and i dont want to
try anymore. i want keep what i have, what i own safe. my only sense
of self lies in my hard-earned possessions these days, symbols of my
work and trophies that prove my existence and place somewhere.