A Fork in the Road..

I haven't gone back to this story I started a few weeks ago, and it's starting to really worry me. Am I not cut out for writing? Do I have some some sort of writer's block? Should I never write again? (Especially when I have ppl jacking lines from it. WTF is THAT?!)

During these moments of extreme self-doubt and almost self-hatred, I just want to latch onto some sort of muse. Something that helps me escape into the world of fiction and fantasy; a world where I can make up characters that may or may not resemble my real life 'friends' but a place where my words and thoughts are limitless. A muse would solve everything! My muse would guide me through my thoughts, help me to allegorize my life and perhaps even help me to understand what I care about most, since I don't care about much. My muse would be fault-less and anyone who says otherwise will suffer the consequences in my fictional world. Screw reality! (Along with helping others see the difference between right and wrong, good and evil, just and unjust...) It can then all be exaggerated and my muse can even help me to create a hero out of myself, someone 10x better who is charming, sexy, self-assured, (full-figured even!) and someone who has the wit and strength of a goddess. How wonderful would that be? Of course, someone who can keep chugging through anything.

But I don't think I can do it, and I'm worried about disappointing in the process for I am human and am fully aware of my downfalls. I mean no insult or injury by saying this, but I'm simply trying to get my bearings in this crazy world - a place where I think my most supportive friends are my greatest critics, and the ones who habour the most jealousy for me are, unfortunately, the closest.

They say opposites attract, but what about in a patriarchial society that favors men over women? Although Korean society is changing a lot with the rising of the metrosexual male, but it still doesn't take away favoritism, nepotism, and the power of word-of-mouth. I learned of the destructive forces of this back in college and often felt like I was walking around with a scarlet letter. It wasn't until I changed my thinking into positive thinking did I meet the right people who helped me change they way I viewed my life.

But that's not what this post is all about, just thinking positively, athough positive thinking does help me make decisions that help me live with myself and the end of the day. Throughout my life experiences, I have also learned to think they way others want me to think. Meaning, with today's mixing of cultures, methods, and lifestyles, there is some give and take that you learn to deal with. And yes, sometimes it feels like dealing.

"I'll wash the dishes if you vacuum the carpet."
"Ok, but you take out the trash if I get the mail."
"Alright, wait a minute...I just met you!!!"

You can magically connect with someone who seemingly opposes everything you stand for, and yet things have a way of working themselves out. But in the meantime, it takes discussion, dealings, drama, some tears, sex, lies, and videotape.
And, well, you're in Korea! And we're now all quite aware of the ubiquitious use of CCTV! Yahoo to privacy!

What is privacy these days? Does it mean anything to anyone these days? I let go of privavcy about a year ago, but I'm ready to make a run for anything that offers some sort of privacy. I thought buying this computer would be the first step towards reaching that private realm I once knew, but I'm not sure. Everywhere I turn, I feel something dangerous. I can't make a decision without it dissolving in front of my eyes. And who do I have to talk about this with?

This summer, I do not feel Korean with family just around the corner, but I'm a foreigner in a strange land (and w/o a decent, affordable place, w/o slants), looking for some peace of mind, whether it's in the form of financial stability or a comfy home that reminds me of my previous home.

I miss everyone from the states sooo much. :( Sometimes I don't know what I'm doing here, and I'm starting to get really upset with a lot of things in Korea. Namely, the fact that a psychotic teacher is making my life incredibly difficult. I've never been fully alone in my life, and for my first time ever, I'm being punished to hell.

For some reason, I thought just learning Korean would help me with that, but it's so much more than that. There are people from other countries (non gyopos) who take language classes for a year and become fluent! But that's besides the point. It's all taking it's toll on my life. Now that I'm handicapped with living alone, having some lack of trust in my friends, life has been really difficult. The weather certainly doesn't help my temperment, either. I tried to buy an AC unit, even with only 2.5 months of my lease, the HOT weather was coming up and I got an really great deal from someone through work. But that fell through. I need to move out to a place that is affordable and comforting, especially since I'm at my wits end. Everything I built last year is now gone, and now the shots are stronger, subtler, and more difficult to get over. I'm not as resilient as I used to be.

The friends I made turned out to over sexualize everything and it feels demeaning. :(
I thought everything was going alright, but things have gotten EXTREMELY difficult.

I don't know why I decided to go to Yonsei. I thought it would help me improve my Korean, but I just feel so tired after four fruitless hours. Anyway...

I'll stop my sob story.