i'm so sorry that i blame my view of one country on you. i cannot help what i feel, and i don't want to blame you.
i'm trying to be nice to you.
***
therapists are so fucking stupid. who can explain how i feel? how
can anyone tell me what to do that will help me with this? i just
want things to be normal and if i start telling her
well, i could just tell her how i'm starting to hate people and why
and i could tell her why i think korean ppl are stupid and they just
copy and follow america
i could tell her how i think korean guys are chauvanistic,
egotistical, power hungry, ungratfeul, selfish, and just want sex.
i could tell her how i used to think of my family constantly,
especially since i think it's a huge gaping hole in my life that makes
me feel less than someone else who comes from a good home. i feel
cheap.
i feel like i hate myself and my own body. but i'm working on that.
i feel like my family members are lost without me, as stupid as that
sounds, especially since i tried arguing with them to change the way
our family members treat one another but everyone is too busy running
around in their set routines to stop and listen to one another.
my mother is in her idealized world, my dad is in his workaholic
world, my brother's in his lazy world, and my sister is in her perfect
world. it makes me sick that i sit in a room knowing that people have
various opinions about why they are there but we never talk about it.
it reminds me of the dysfunctional relationships i had during college
where we would talk about sorority matters, but not about our selves.
it wasn't like we were friends, it was like we were business partners,
which a lot of people think is fun, sorry, this isn't directed towards
anyone of course, but it's just why? why am i here? why did this
happen? why is it still happening after 2 years? and how long will
this last? i hate it
i haven't read anything
i haven't written anything
i haven't tried to get a job
i haven't studied after my midterm
i haven't lost weight
i haven't met anyone worthwhile, which will take time anyway
i'm glad that i can sit around and talk to ppl who are there for me, it's great
and i'm glad that my class is working on this play
and i'm glad to be in korea
and i'm glad that i'm not working full-time
i'm glad that i'm taking a break after only working for nine months.
i haven't done anything with my life, and i haven't met anyone that i
feel that i can trust, without hurting them deeply. i haven't done
anything that my friends are doing or what the other ppl are doing
around me. i'm just constantly watched, ppl watch me pick my nose,
clip my toenails, act sex-deprived and pathetic, watch me take
showers, watch me in gimgilbangs, watch me when i hang out with other
people who are sex-deprived too, watch me everywhere.
i HATE being watched, i hate feeling under pressure, i hate feeling
like ppl can just comment on what i do in my life when i NEVER
comment or place judgement on ANYONE's life. in fact, i hate doing
that with a passion, i hated it in the sororirty days and i cannot get
along with ppl my own age.
i always have somethign that bothers me whether it's someone who's
playing their music too loud, or if someone doesn't clean the
bathroom, or if someone doesn't do something and just acts all
unpleased with the state of michigan.
i want a car and i dont have a car but who really cares about having a
car? at least i dont have to drive around 10 different girls and
waste gas money that my parents and brother yell at me over.
i don't get why my parents are so crappy with money and how they have
SO much money and yet they dont do anything productive except the
restaurant
and i'm jsut denying how much i hate my life with everythign that is
happening and everythign that is bugging me
i dont have some overarching message, dream or career, or even BLOG
that my life depends on, or is my bread and butter and if anything
my behavior and attitude is embarrassing. and no one gives a fuck
anyway. they think it's funny, and laugh along with my fucked up
teacher who constantly constantly picks into my life, every single day
and every day she seems to wait for some guy that she likes to like
her back
and i feel stupid for thinking about this, but i've been watching it
in my own fucking 'classroom' for nine fucking months. just watching
little kids of the same sex try to touch one another. it's so
disgusting and i want to barf but then i have to go out and make
friends with these people, who say they are having fun ahd 'have a
good day!' but it's so full of \fucking shit and bitterness. i'm so
sick of
these two-faced false facades that just put up a front and pretend
like korea is doing SO great and we toot our horns and say that
koreans are the fucking BEST but it's just for fun. my friends do it
in the states when we're drinking but it's just some ego trip that's
fun to do.
and it's fine being in a small country, it's amazing seeing the whole
country rally behind something, and behind someone but i hate being
the one person who see EVERYTHING all of this SHIT that just piles up
and keeps piling
i feel like a fucking doormate for ppl to just snoop into my life and
the things that matter to me and just used against me.
everything i like turns to shit.
hongdae is now under the hand of some jerk who allows everyone to
think of ME as the jerk just b/c i think art students should have room
to experiment. i get a fucking middle finger gawd it makes me fucking
sick.
and the books that i read, i just have this guy who keeps ackting like
a girl who just keeps following me..i have this entourage of
hook-upers who like mix and match and it's all fine by me, i think
everyone should find love in their lives and be in love and lose
themselves in one person. i think that's all you need in life, that
one person who holds everything. your memories, your heart, your soul,
your emotions, the things that hurt you the most that one dares to
know, but they know everything. your bruises, the moles on your back,
and your favorite comfort food.
who cares. i dont care about this. i dont' care about love, i dont'
care about passion, not in myself, but when i see it in other people
it makes all the stupid SHIT in korea and in american and in the
philippines and everywhere else go away. and even the everyday
hardwork. and i'm not going to give away my feelings to people who
just trample on them
why should i give away my feelings to people who just suck them up,
act nice to everyone whom I admired, everyone who i spent years
talking about admiring and wahtever else why the FUCK should they get
the better end of MY life and what i hope for in the world?
just b/c they don't have vocabulary or topics to come up with? and the
people whom i respect do they even know me w/o the anxiety, depression
and the fucked up mentality that everyone was out to get me? that a
sororoity mostly of chinese kids and a couple of koreans shaped the
way i see asians in contemprorary society.
i'm not racist. although i've harboured racists attitudes and thought
of of stereotypes but everyone does and it helps to talk and form
dialogues about different groups of people and the way that we
communicate.
i dont understand why we have to walk around in this spy mode of life
and i dont know why it started for me 2 years ago.
i can reason that it was for the fulbright since my life dramatically
changed, extrenally then. i think internally i was just happy to feel
happy and admire and respect ppl. blah broken record.
i hate feeling like a vessel for some guy who just pits his written
against me. i dont fucking care what this guy does in his life, but he
needs to get another vessel to fuck around with. that's what it feels
like at this point.
why should ppl pry or try to pry in my non existant sex life and what
i did in my past? is it apart of knowing me? is it apart of
understanding me?
i'm just sick of this one sided microscopic look into my life, into my
pains, into my history, into my experiences as just have it all
splayed out and used as today's lesson.
i'd rather use myself as today's lesson and i'd rather die than to
have anyone else do it
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