Oh, About That

You know, I write fiction, I write here in this journal of sorts, and I make notes, but I never write about fiction.

It's been about 20 years since I first started to seriously start writing fiction. It was the summer of 2006, I was living in Seoul, South Korea, I was having symptoms, but I felt such a strong creative burst then. I was surrounded by art and art makers while living in Hongdae, I was around other lovers of Murakami at the hakwon I was teaching at, and I had, of all things, this blog. I started writing here every day for a whole summer. That led to writing pieces I used for my portfolio that got me into CCA. 

Though this blog is rough and too intimate, I pulled back on some posts that summer and my creative started to come out. That summer, I wrote the first scene of what was to be re-written and become my first long work of fiction. What then later became my thesis. What then later became my MS -- a novellette.

I'm not particularly proud of those posts that summer of 2006, but I'm grateful for them. I wrote consistently, and it ended up saving my life. Writing, that is. When I got into CCA, I was so excited. It felt fresh, new, and like I had finally found my place in the world. 

I remember my last semester at CCA when someone in my cohort said, "I'm stressed, with my thesis, but that's the best kind of stress." I agreed and it made me realize, how much I loved writing fiction and that that "stress" was just play. 

But CCA saved me in more ways than one. My dad passed away my first semester there. I was shocked b/c I was in disbelief and denial that he was dying. I remember that day vividly as I got a phone call from my family to come home and be with me dad. Then five minutes later, they called again and said that he had passed. I felt shattered and heart broken and crazy, all in that moment. Later, we had his funeral.

I came back to CCA after the funeral, and I was welcomed back with hugs of condolences and a card. It was so touching and every single hug felt healing. I hadn't felt so much compassion from acquaitances, who treated me like family, at least with their understanding and kindness. 

Then I also started to have terrible episodes, as I didn't know how severe my mental illness really was at the time. CCA kept me grounded and I attended classes and talking about writing with so much joy that it offset all the mental struggle I was going through. It really did save my life, as my episodes were so horrible, I thought about suicide. But I lived, for C and for fiction.

I have never really written about that time with this distance. I simply lived it then got past it, the episodes that is.

But after I graduated, I had a family of writer friends. We went camping, we played board games, we spent weekend nights together. It felt so cozy and warm. I'm so happy I got to experience that. I was such a loner and a serious student in undergrad and failed to make really close connections then.

I'm glad I went through that phase, though we ended up growing apart. 

Then I met my best friend, A, and we clicked and bonded and loved spending time with one another. A poet, a prose writer, and artist. She lived with so much freedom and pure emotion that she caught my heart. We were close, best friends from 2013 to 2022, until she found her soul mate, got pregnant then moved away.

But then my last few years in the Bay, I was close to A and her family. I grew to know I wanted a little family of my own. I then met her friend who was a writer, and then met her friends through her: a band of highly successful independent women. If I stayed in the Bay, or was single, I would definitely would have loved growing with them.

But here I am. In B/M, and I'm still writing. My connection to people are more about my generation than about writing at this time. And that's okay. I will still try to look for writing friends, and I'm a part of a Meet Up, but I am forming connections with strong, smart and beautiful women here and it's so inspiring. I feel healed and hopeful. I have been through so much, but learned so much. I take this next step in my life with joy and wonder.