feeling a bit lost...

i don't know when this started to become such a confessional (especially with the last couple of posts but i suppose it's because i didn't want to blame anyone for my past), but i'm going to adhere to what i've already started and keep going for a bit. at least until i hit the 300 post mark, and it's coming up. from there, i may start another one or shut it down, i don't know yet. i've started some other projects on the side and i didn't realize the reach of this diary. it was always a place of refuge and sanctuary, or where i just hashed it out with myself, in a way, during college. anywhoo, let the radio show commence.

first, i'll begin with why i started this blog. a friend of mine during my junior year of college was blogging with a bunch of his friends and it just seemed like something to do to fill the time. i 'dated' this kid, eventhough "asian kids don't date," so he said, and we got to know one another somewhat and blogging was another medium of expression that helped me through such opaque relationship. ever since my first boyfriend, most of my relationships seemed opaque...
back in college, i went through such a mix of emotions from zombie-ness to euphoria, to moments of adrenaline filled epiphanies, and i've decided that of course no matter how clean one appears to be on the outside, we've all gone through our zombie phases, our downs, our angers, and whatever else that lies beneath our smiles and "i'm fines," and yet, i wondered, "how hard did some of us live our lives and how much should we let ourselves regret?"
i'm not one who wants to live my life with regrets, and i've done my best to clean up my act.
for some reason, i feel a tremendous sense of guilt after my 'fall from grace' during my sophomore to junior year of college. it's like some sort of 'dark' phase for me, when it wasn't really that dark at all. just a bit quiet. what's wrong with that? there's nothing wrong with wanting something more meaningful out of life. guess the good grades and thoughts of a conventional life were scary. everything becomes scary when you have parents who seem to have everything, but you just know something is missing, namely love. since that summer of 2001, i wanted to live life and feel like i was living before i made the ultimate mistake of never finding love, or knowing what love was all about. perhaps my heart is still holding out for that real love, and in the mean time, i want to live a little, feel stable, and not rock the boat until i'm darn well ready.