retitle: the search starts again

for the past 10 months, i've known that lies have been circling about me. and from the outside looking in, it is so completely obvious. the stupidity of it all is just astouding at times. embarassing, isn't it?

but what i have done during this time was challenge myself to open my heart (especially since college left me battered and bruised), give others the benefit of the doubt, and just pray that something good is underneath it all. i mean, what else can i do? in today's world, i'm surrounded by a powerful web of technology, network, and inconcievable forms of being that in order to feel like i have a sense of control, i have to update myself, be on guard, and attentive to every change. it's all so mind-narrowing in order to just 'appear' smarter than others, and a cut above the rest. but in order to look like i am a cut above others, does it have to be at the expense of someone else? most of us want others to live in peaceful existences, and only those of us touched with life's bitterness are the ones who want to see harm done unto others (or perhaps just out of sheer boredom and lack of understanding).
after one disappointment after the next, each one chipping away more and more from what i wanted from other people, what is there left to believe in when looking for that connection with someone new?
i admit, i jumped into some SCARY territory...applying as a visiting student at one of the country's most prestigious schools?? with only a year of formal art education under my belt??? i dont even know how to mix oils, let alone form a works of masterpieces with my paint brush. i'm lucky enough to have been accepted, and get a chance to broaden my inner self by relieving my emotions via art. the language barrier is another story, one that spans my entire life and is not easily summarized in one blog.

so i asked my friend tonight, "let's just go out and have fun - no stress, no pressure - just fun."
"there is always pressure, there is always drama," she replied.

that isn't the way i want to live my life, and yet i am forced to.
last night, was the end of it. i can't keep going with the flow...it's too painful, false, dis-heartening, and i do not want to die a skeptic.