I get so angry. I really do. When the past becomes the present, becomes the future.
When have we learned to not repeat mistakes?
"Seasons change; and you grow a little older"
"The past becomes the future."
-A connection and possible 'conversation' with Susie Suh :)
I feel confused. I don't know why I think why? What makes me better, or worse, or the same? I feel something that I don't can't won't process. I don't understand. Why me? Why is it my fault? I don't understand. I'm so sad. You were hurt? I didn't know. I'm sorry that happened to you. I don't know why anyone would do that. That's so terrible.
"See the stone set in your eyes; see the thorn twist in your sides; I wait for you"
But I don't ingrain the angry. I use it as motivation, I use it as "anger speak"; I use it charge me, to make me brave, to make me 10x stronger than before. I fight. To the end. Forever. Cortisol in my brain, charging, me charged, a battery, lit, excited, moved, moved to change, moved to move forward.
However.
However?
However....
What is oxytocin? What is that emotion? That gives, that understands compassion, the moves past the anger, the angry stage/phase/the cortisol filling the brain, the hormones unleashed. Oxytocin, that favors peace, that makes me feel light, alight, in flight on a cloud, the understanding of 10,000 beings from outer space, convinced, evolved, elevated from constant despair.
No no No NO
I won't feel it. I won't be pulled down in the basement. The creatures that crawl through my eyes, through my eyeballs, I'm in a trance? I didn't know. How could I have known? It was dream-like. I regret it. I made so many mistakes. Is my brain damaged? I don't know, psychosis sucks big time.
Yes yes yes. Finally, I will light, I will transcend. No longer enduring, but have endured. Peaceful, nirvana, enlightenment. I will achieve the 8 fold path.
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