It's like chocolate cake..

My life has taken a turn for the better and a slew of epiphanies has swept over me, besides a wave of warm emotions, which has swept over the environment around me, too. It's like this exaggerated reality that can both be extremely horrid and extremely euphoric. In any case, it feels GREAT!!!! I can't get over it, and everyone around me also seems to agree. It's a bit unbelievable, and I try to hold myself back by trying to cut things down and make myself feel better. But it's been much worse in the past, and this time, I am able to see my faults clearly - anger and wrath aside.

Yet, from my past relationships, I'm used to taking it slow, especially with the ones I treasured most. Something within fell into place during those relationships, and it felt right in my heart. It also told me, "Be careful with this one!" and that usually helped me out a lot. I'm the type that runs and runs far far away when given the opportunity, and when I returned, people were still bewildered by my actions.

Up until now, there was a huge struggle to even find this 'now' besides how I feel about it all. I've also been trying to understand how I feel about living in Korea, and that means I have to weed out the distractions, the fakes, the wannabes, and I'm not just talking about the gucci wallets you find on the streets of Shinchon. This struggle meant going through (and still am going through) a period of seeing everything in pieces. This has all led to a life filled with one dilemma after another, but this one in particular is not so frightening, though it is one with two spheres of variables. But this new wave of emotion has helped me to bring all of my other little dilemmas into clarity. It's been crazy how I've been able to shed some light on a LOT of the dark areas of my past, and quickly, too. I've been able to think about relationships, friendships, and experiences from my past that were blanketed with shame. Yes, I have some of the gyopo guilt!

Despite all of this guilt, I am going to try and remain content and not try to push things too much where I end up spinning my wheels in the dirt, which leaves me completely exhausted and utterly defeated. Everyone has questions that remain unanswered, but due to the nature of my lifestyle, something/somebody's gotta give, and I'm not going to let myself crash and burn. Terrible of me to say that and have this sort of attitude, especially since I can't be more grateful for having such insights fall on my lap, but I know what pain is. I'm 25 for God's Sake! I must have learned something from all of this. Yea?

But I'm not going to shy away from the risks that are worth taking, too.

And upon further reflection, I would say that a lot of things were at a distance, though it did improve last spring. They were tangible, but just slightly out of reach. They were beneficial, and yet full of obligation and some sort of duty, some sense of keeping one's word perhaps. It actually feels a lot like eating a piece of chocolate cake in that it's self-indulgent and yet I know that I'm going to feel, later, a slight tinge of guilt (especially since I'm going back on another lemon cleanse xP).

The puzzle pieces, the fragments that float around in my mind, are coming together and are starting to form something known as my RELATIONSHIPS with people! ACK! I can't believe how crappy and dysfunctional my friendships have been for the past 2 years. Yet, I can't help but say that I HAVE learned a great deal within the last 6 months of my life. It was just 6 months ago where I did start to experience an alternative form of compassion, and movements of thought that were not my own and were not drug induced, although certain drugs do have similar effects. Call it speed, call it ecstacy, call it weed, yes, there are plenty of ways to alter one's mind and state of being, but I suppose this is all moving towards the ultimate goal of understanding and in a connected world. Of course this then brings into question aspects of personal privacy and personal space - the private life that I yearn for, and search for.

Yet, am I searching in the right way? Am I searching in the right direction? DID I really learn from those haunting mistakes, those that leave a sour taste in your mouth, and nails in your heart. It made me sink into despair and resignation when I reached into the past and tried to make sense of it all. It's an enormous task for one person to grasp alone.

But I feel happy, and I feel giddy, and I feel 25. Rejoice. =]