Let My Reasons Be Unclear

I'm going to change my life and then change my brain, I've decided--hurrah! And although Dr. Amen's mantra of "change your brain, change your life" does make a lot of sense, and that is what I focused on for the past 5 or so years, I feel that it's quietly giving me diminishing returns somehow. Not for the reason that the more you put into yourself the more you get out of it, and then the less you start to get from it. Not that at all.

Actually, I'm realizing I have to face certain life situations and help myself from any dangers and damages. I can't always call my predecessors for help, or just to look helpless in order for things to get easier.

I'm just going to have to work harder, be smarter, healthier, more productive, and more active about how I seize my days. It's sort of a mid-life crisis feeling, like half of my life is over, and time is starting to quickly run out.

There is so much I want out of my life. I want a 3-bedroom house with a yard, I want a sports car, I want children, and I want life stability. I want to know what tomorrow will bring and I want to be proud of what I've done and who I am. I'm tired of being tired all the time. I'm tired of working on my health in a paranoid manner. I need to make a change, a huge change, and life with the decision and consequences of it for the rest of my life. But at least I can say it was my choice to lead my life as such.

-In silent meditation
-In cautious observation of stressors that can negatively affect my Bipolar disorder or trigger a mountain of stress that can lead to bodily damage, like in my liver
-In open mindedness in what the future will bring
-In unconditional love mindset that brings forth love before hate or judgement of the unknown and of the foreign
-In careful practice of good, healthy habits that sustain good life practices for longer than a few months
-In earnest belief of my identity and abilities
-In cherishing every last moment I have with my loved ones

There is a lot on the line now. I'm no longer 24 with nothing to lose. I am now 34 with everything to gain. So much has happened in the last 10 years, a lot I can't directly talk about, but a lot of learning has happened most importantly.

I usually never give up on any adventure that I start, and always try to do my best, and maybe I did do my best and still feel a sense of failure. I'll just have to live with that. It could be much worse. But there comes a time when all great things come to an end.

I move forward in my life
-In peace and serenity
-In faith in God
-In belief in the humanity of society
-In hopeful optimism

Thanks, God, for today and for the rest of my life!