something is not right...therapy is now in session

What is bothering me? Something has really been bothering me inside and it's not only being disappointed in myself for missing so many classes and consequently falling behind because of it.... ugh. What is bothering me

Well, guess I should address this first issue. Why the heck do I keep skipping class??? I'm skipping as I write this. *sob* It's always awful when you start justifying your laziness or lack of motivation or inability to get up on time because then you start digging an even DEEPER grave
BUT REALLY....
what the heck am i doing?? this is reminding me of my sophomore year at Umich~ where I went from a decent study habits in my freshman year to doing crazy 'extra cirriculars' in my sophomore year

I could make excuses and say that the semester got off to 'absent' start with the surgery, but..
Well, let's start from today. Or actually last night. It's difficult to get myself to do anything after I come home. By that time it's already 10:30 and I want to unwind, and relax. But I have to jump start myself again.. At least I'm still somewhat mentally awake, I suppose. But my motivation to get any homework or artwork done is minimal... The most I did was probably that one night I 'spent the night' at the studio, but really skipped out around 2-3am....A friend of mine was REALLY hard core and stayed the entire night and he was still there by the time hI went in early the next morning. Wow. I love seeing dedication like that.

So this morning, after I received a call from M, thank goodness M woke me up, realized my wonderful montly friend FINALLY arrived... yahhoo. I decided I could still go to class, eventhough 40 mins from the starting time had already passed, but how foolish of me to think I overcame this nasty habit.

For a project that was due last week, I decided that I wanted to do it watercolor. It came out horribly. Perhaps THAT'S why I dont want to go to class today....OH THE SHAME..

B/c here I am

What is bothering me
I was crying the other night over someone. Can you believe it? No one makes me cry, except for my family. And I've tried SO hard to emotionally distance myself from THOSE very emotions that stimulate the gushing hot tears that refuse to hold back..and they just poured out for a good 5 min. I would stop, cling on to my blanket a little tighter, and try my best to console my heaving chest and scathed soul with Shopgirl...even Steve Martin's witty WRY voice couldn't stop the tears..Shopgirl slipped through my fingers and fell to the floor and the 5 min of gushing tears commenced once again....

*sigh.

Who is this person, really? Why am I so affected by this relationship...why don't I keep suppressing these weird feelings
This is so odd. How can I be attracted to someone from what I WANT to see? Am I using this person??? Isn't that disgusting?

I hope the kids I teach don't find this :(
but I really have to let this out....

what am I doing with this new person in my life
what the heck are we?
what the heck are these feelings
why does it get to me?
how can i just....wear my heart on my sleeve...

So yesterday I felt like crap and was having an awful day. Luckily, I prepped the night before for teaching, and classes went smoothly. My kids are bright and the talkers who feed off of one another were separated. They aren't like my MOnday kids, but I think I got something out of them yesterday. The evening kids are just at a higher level, so it's just a matter of keeping them going as well. Didn't feel as tired out at the end...there were some nights where I literally was ready to FALL OVER the minute I was done. Perhaps not eating for 6 hours does that to you as well as standing on your feet the entire time.

So am I in a rut?? I don't think so. I need to manage my time better, so they say..but I'm SICK of scheduling out my time...I make lists and lists and lists of what I HAVE to do what i SHOULD do and I just want to DO when I can and when it feels right, which sounds irresponsible
sounds like I'm forcing myself through something, but then sometimes it's just a matter of forming the right habits...

i should dedicate a blog on how i feel about this person b/c lately, this confusion...it's all i think about/question when we spend time together
and when M spends time with someone else, i get all paranoid b/c i've been thinking TOO much about it and not getting anywhere in my head