Nervous And Excited All At Once - Memoir

 I'm on my way to see him.

Just ate a healthy breakfast that consisted of a veggie hash, scrambled eggs, and a cappuccino. It was perfection: the right mix of protein and veggies.

I'm at the airport in Salt Lake City. I found an uncrowded section in the Delta terminal, a bit far from my gate, but I have 3 hours to kill. So here I am: writing.

My first love, right before I met him, was writing. Well, it was a new love at that time and I wasn't very good at it, but I had the desire to express, to actualize my thoughts in text, to release emotions - a catharsis.

I'm much more sane than when I wrote on my blog heavily. I was going through symptoms and I didn't know what it was. I thought it was just normal life, but it so wasn't. 

But now I write for work, a Communications Associate for a global biopharmaceutical company. I love to write, so simple expressing ideas on paper fulfills me. I have to get better and match the voice that my manager is looking for; I have to analyze information from software developers and it often doesn't make sense, but it's like a puzzle that I'm working on and I get kind of proud of the finished product. I still have a lot to learn, a lot to grow, and a lot to keep challenging myself with. I feel lucky though: not everyone has the right mix of work/life balance, good pay, an excellent manager, and duties that one enjoys. So I hope to hang onto this as long as I can.

But as I write for myself, writing creatively in the form of fiction and memoir, here, I feel happy and excited - energized. It's a good feeling. 

And as I contemplate seeing my beau, I feel a mix of nervousness and excitement: will he like how I look? Will we connect? Will we have fun? I don't want to taint this trip with anything too serious. I want to have fun, I want to go swimming, and I want him to make love to me. I miss his embrace, I miss seeing his face, I miss being near him. But it feels more like a ghost, the past, that we even lived in the same tiny 580 square foot one bedroom apartment. It feels distant and unfamiliar now. Like, was it ever real?