Hiatus?

My emotions have been changing, my body has been changing, and so my thoughts have been changing. Into what? I'm not really certain, and I'm not really sure where it's all going to lead or if it will lead to anything, and maybe that's just the way that I like it. Life as a great big question mark. No concrete, fully tread path, but my own path, my own thought, and my own mind. I'm not really sure where it's all going to go or if it will be worth anything to anyone one day. But it will have been worth everything to me.

And so, I'm not quite certain if a real hiatus will happen or not, considering how dependent I have been with this blog, dancedancerevoltuion2000! It's a revolution to me and always will be! It's always been here through all of my life changes, well, for the most pivotal, for this time in my life. And it has helped me to move that direction into something that I WANT for me, myself and I, and I want to always be here, if only in thought.

Perhaps it is time to take a break from DDR2000. I can't believe this is happening, considering I've been blogging in here, unofficially, since 2003 (but those posts were erased), and officially since 2004, and seriously since this summer. xP And so much has changed since those first few posts, or should I say, my erratic and FREQUENT bloggings. I used to post THREE TIMES A DAY during that time, but it was mostly just me grumbling to myself about classes, how the fishbowl was over-crowded, or how a certain boy was acting. ahhaha.. aw. I LOVE BLOGGING and BLOGGERS!! They excite me. xP

But, believe it or not, I reached 50,000 words after this summer, and just that feat alone, or perhaps that realization of it, is getting me to consider a new direction. A more constructive one? Though I tried to face as many relevant and key issues during the summertime, and I really tried to do the true soul searching, the kind that mattered to me. And if I go towards that new direction, well, let's pray that I just make it there, and safely. I will give you all a clue to what those directions might be:

-Journalism (with LOTS of blogging, too)
-Grad school writing samples
---for either American Culture/Ethnic Studies, Creative Writing, OR Museum Studies.
-(A HUGE maybe) Professional Blogging. Hmm.

Just thinking about it makes me teary-eyed and feeling misty. I'm going to TOTALLY miss blogging for the sake of blogging! The crying, the screaming, the emotional pains, the lack of motivation, the struggles, the triumphs, the constipation stories (ahahah) and the ugly ones about bulimia and skin problems. T.T I've held onto this so tightly, as it has held tightly onto me, but I have to learn to become more independent and I can't keep crying into this everyday and keep praying to myself that all my problems will be solved by BLOGGING, alone, which is just not enough when the physical pains are very real, and very chronic. Chronic pain is a life of serious hardship.

No, I need to take CHARGE of my life, my health problems, and the other growing problems, too. I can't keep writing about these struggles in such a war zone, war torn, war TONE of it all - the fighting, the battling, the casualties, and the loss. My life isn't only about internal turmoil and external dissatisfaction - how my body is this constant battle on a daily basis, and how getting out of the bathroom alive just weighs me down.

I need to move, grow, and change, and I need to SHOW...not exactly my myseterious readers...BUT MYSELF that I CAN overcome these very real, and very difficult, private struggles. And, honestly, it doesn't help to have random commenters, a peanut gallery in the blogsphere abyss, that just makes inspid comments about how I act based upon my weaknesses and mistakes, but it does help to reason out and think that maybe people just care and have awkward ways of showing it. But I need something more, something greater, someone intimate.

So thank you silent readers from withholding those obnoxious and irritating, through curious remarks. (Yes, I do wonder where you're getting the patience to hold yourselves back from making those locker room remarks.)

Instead, I need time. To grow, to relax, and to live, and live a healthy life at that.

I can't go through what I did in college over and over due to this program and the need to know that I'm over my 'orgaizational behavior baggage', not with what has been happening, as a painful reminder of how deep my mind dove in order to save my sense of sanity from trying to overcome so many things at once during that time: insomnia, nervousness, anxiety, overpowering doubts and negative thought patterns, food hazing, fluctuating metabolic rates, and over-burdened schedules, and an unfree, enslaved mind to these pains.

I need to change, I need to grow, and I need my life. Good luck with all of your endeavors!