Uncertainty? During these times I like to listen to Avril Lavigne!

At the age of 25, there isn't much that I think I know in life for sure. I"m not sure where I'm going to be living by the age of 30, I'm not sure what my future career path will be exactly like, I'm not sure what I want to see out of other people, especially out of a significant other, and I'm not sure what I want out of myself, and I'm not sure if all of this 'uncertainty' is even good for me considering I'm closer to 30 in Korean age (26/27?). But I do know what I want right now - but maybe that's only because of the nature of my 'work' at the moment?

Yes, folks, I've been recruited for an experimental program via a certain educational system. It wasn't clear whether or not I would be a serious Masters/PhD student, and without my consent or legitimate application, it's all illegal in my opinion, and I wasn't even clearly informed about it. Long story.

But I will explain a bit of the mental gymnastics that I've been involved in: I have people constantly asking me questions about my future and what I think about EVERYTHING. People are CONSTANTLY on my back about EVERYTHING: the daily news, the impact of a new building in the middle of the art school area that I live in, what a difference keeping a certain tradition will make in the way Koreans do business, how I feel about a certain color on a poster, what I feel when I listen to John Mayer's music, what a new pair of shoes feels like, what make up is good for Asian skin, what the differences are between Korean American and Chinese American and (possibly) Japanese American writing could be, and what I feel are the future major decisions are in certain educational systems, besides the people themselves modeling/posing these questions. Should I feel grateful? Should I feel obligated? Should I feel guilty for this special attention? Should I feel angry, confused, hurt, and abused?

I do know that I want something DIFFERENT out of life and something DIFFERENT out of myself, something that isn't what my parents told me to do, something that both my siblings didn't do already, and something that I saw a model wearing in a shopping window. Something where I don't need to hold someone else's hand. Something where I can stand on my own two feet, at least for 90% of the time. But most importantly, something where I can make a CHANGE in someone's life. Be it in a non-profit organization, through teaching English to little children, through volunteer work, through writing articles about social change and things that significantly influence and impact masses of people, be it by being used in a think tank - my previous 'work' during a 'vacation'.

But I'm tired of that stuff, and I need my own brain, my own body, my own self. Guess that means being selfish, but OH WELL. In the words of Avril Lavigne in the song WHO KNOWS, "I'm going to live today like it's my last day!" and stop hanging out with boys who are jealous of me for no reason xP JUST KIDDING. Korean boys will always find a reason to despise their little sisters and rough house with them. It's annoying, but it's a fact of life for a Korean American girl. Geesh. Sometimes I abhor being a semi-tomboy, it gets terribly confusing. Perhaps that another reason why I'll be grateful for having been in a sorority? Hmm. That and finding STRONG ASIAN AMERICAN girls to talk to. Oiy. Thank God for that one! SERIOUSLY.

And I DO know that I want to travel more and LIVE MY LIFE and "Freak out and let it go.."
I'll run away yet again and again if I have to in order to find whatever it is that I'm searching for...

And I guess this is what it's all about..the blogging, I mean.
To find out what I want out of that SO
To find out where I DO want to live by the time I'm 30...maybe it's NYC maybe it's in another Asian country maybe it's Korea but I'm going to darn well question it for a bit.
To find out more about what I WANT
To find things that make life worth it