The Unmentionable...

By the time I write my last post on DDR2000, I will be able to safely say that I'm 100% happy with how my life is going, and with how I'm being treated by the community I find myself in.

Unfortunately, the events in my life have gone from good, bad, to the worst ever. I'm in a SLUMP, people, and I am SO angry, that I cannot even shout, cry, or fully complain about what my life is like. I simply just take it, and thew worst part is, it IS all about SIMPLICITY. I HATE living life with the bare minimum. It sounds so very post-modern, minimalist, with getting by on just the bare bones sort of sustenance, but I can NOT live that way! I don't know how I "roughed it out" during undergrad, but believe THAT or not, I did rough it out then.

I don't know why I thought not asking my parents for TOO much money was going to benefit me later, and "build character" because all it built was this insatiable desire within me to CONSUME. And it's completely ironic because I wrote this bright and shiny Fulbright research proposal at the supposed end of college career at U of M (and that was a FARSE), which I did TAKE out of the competition due to "plagarising" but as we all know, that is a very lose term these days. What is defined as REAL plagarizing? Especially since we all know that there are people in Higher Education doing everything they can to "uplift" their fellow "peoples". It's so fucking racist.

But then, I cannot help but feel a sense of nationalism, too, knowing that people in higher education are being PEER pressured into looking after the minds of the people within their own race. YES, my fellow Americans, little did you know that the secrets that our professors began to tell us in undergrad were just the tip of the Iceberg. And here I sit, muttering about it all to myself, knowing very well that I was morally PURGED during my college days and brainwashed to think that anything that meant something about getting answers earlier than others, and having other people re-write parts of my "incoherent" papers was known as the evil sin known in the undergraduate mind as PLAGARISM. I didn't think this post would be completely geared towards this, but the one thing I WILL tell you about undergraduated WORK....it's just fast, and it's just DONE. That's all there is to it. If you want quality, you just have to be happy with yourself, ultimately. You can't really keep trashing on other people's stuff, b/c it just doens't make sense, though it helps keep your eyes sharp for what you want out of whatever it may be.

Anyway, back to why my life is in shambles. I'm barely hanging on, and I will tell the TRUTH, it's NOT MY FAULT that my life is this way, and it's not my fault if I hapen to feel GUILTY for knowing TOO MUCH about what life is really all about in the world of Higher Education. I thought the world as I saw it was changing and developing altogehter, but it is a political world in which we live in. Politics is at the very top of how we govern each other, but whether or not we choose to believe HOW to govern ourselves, well, that's a question the political scientists will hound you with. Just know that it's full of PAIN. Holy Jesus Christ, I never would have thought that those men with the comb overs and frail skin WERE really going through mental and PHYSICAL hardships. So, if you want a ticket to the top, provide a service that those men in those black suits want. It's a piece of cake, I tell ya. Then you'll be able to control anything you want, within your bounds.

Hence, this is the life that I lead, a life where exposure is paramount, and the sole purpose that now continues to drive my false world. I don't have an official say in whether or not I want things to go this way, considering I don't even know a single detail of how this all works, I can only tell you about these broad connections that are much like the way Earth's deep water currents travel around the globe and how it keeps replenishing the system of how water rises into the air and falls back down to Earth. It just keeps going, and going and going.

Luckily, I am only good at pointing out these precarious moments within men's egos, and ask them to stop hurting the weaker beneath them, literally, and within the mind, only because of my own personal pain, a layer of baggage I was once extremely fearful of, and one that I dared not expose to my peers for fear of looking weak, or fickle.

But I don't care anymore about that image, but unfortunately, I DO care about how my peers view me, for some God awful reason. Higher Education and professors have made it clear that they believe in me, and that they see a possible "candidate" that could add to the brain power of the world, but I keep telling them that I'm too "old" and more of in the figurative sense rather than the literal. I'm too "old" to keep pushing towards the unknown, I'm too "old" to deal with insecurities that I find wihtin my mind while studying and I'm too "old" to just FIGHT the system, and to just fight knowing that there IS a system, and to fight knowing that people will choose a set "mindset" for me just because they think that's what works.

But I'm lucky. I already know that all of this exists, and I already know what people are capable of, and I already know of all of the benefits that people in higher education are given, but I also know of the responsiblities they must share in order to be apart of those world changing systems. It seems exciting at first, and it seems really grand and spectacular. But there has to be a reason why it's being exposed to people outside of higher education. There has to be a reason why celebrities are now included in how minds are changing for the future. There has to be a reason why it's all changing and why people had such problems with it in the past.

I keep trying to find out what all of those problems are, but with only question after question do I keep trying to dig further and further into other people's dirty laundry, really. Only to find the emotional pains, and to find the relationship pains, and to find the mysterious pains that plagued them for years, and just NOT knowing WHY or HOW or WHEN, and being left in the bitter mystery of it, and the crippling effects of WAITING and waiting and waiting....for what? For a simple answer, to a not so simple question. And to have people walk around and pretend that they don't know the real story is what really hurts. To know that people are making these choices around, that people are making these judgements, that people are forcing these systems since day one, that people are leaving their baggage on your front door, is just plain unfair to me.

I can only do so much, I can only apologize so much, and for what? For being just as confused and twisted as everyone else? And yet I apologize and I expect myself to act more adult the the supposed adults around me, but it just doens't work for me, and it never will. Facing others who sit in silence never worked for me and it only drove me NUTS.