good morning yall =]
better days are on the way.. i promise ;)
so.. October 2004. i looked at a portrait drawing i drew last thursday..i really like how it came out..her eyes...they are so soft, calm and look out peacefully into a spot off the page~ it calmed me to draw her and i try to bring out her unique traits and semi-idealize her features, yet still let it remain to be her.
i think if anyone is in pain, hurting..one of the best remedies [besides medicine] would be to draw a portrait of the person~ something that makes them remember themselves..... after looking at it and talking to my mom about this story about this girl who got into a car crash with her brother..and suffered through 8 reconstructive surgeries but remained positive, strong minded and constantly thanked God for saving her...
..for some reason i was suddenly flashed back into the past 5 years of my life:

this same time last year....senior year. Oct 2003
...i was taking 5 classes, worried about my grades--how the heck was i going to get anywhere?? i hated everything and tried not to hate it, worked at my mom's restaurant, thought about what job is right for me?? law school??? med school??? ACK. 7 pounds heavier, bloated, wearing dark colors, trying to make the best of my 'last year' in kdphi, living at the house

this same time 2 years ago...junior year. Oct 2002
...i was finishing up after the Breast Cancer Charity Ball AFtermath X_X especially after coming back from being in Europe, I was living with Myungwon and we had a 'weird' relationship, I was NOT coherent, I was reliving this horrid past, I constantly felt guilty for who i was as a person, sooo ashamed of myself, trying my hardest NOT to feel bitter when i was around certain kdphi people, had THE MOST difficult time SPEAKING OUT LOUD at meetings :( I was dating this really immature BUT HOT kid. he was really HOT....too bad he was SO NOT smooth, rude, immature, NOT that interesting to talk to [b/c i went through a lot of more things that were difficult to talk about] BUT he did have very, very, VERY GOOD values, really good intentions, the right idea..... sorta.. LATER THIS YEAR my skin would break out into these HUGE WELTS..LIKE THE SIZE OF QUARTERS (which I later found out was due to an allergic reaction and stress)... around the time that he left. it's funny, cuz he had this horrible skin problem before he left umich, though it looked much different...
i was fat fat fat

3 years...sophomore year. Oct 2001
...i was in the middle of pledging, working at Betsey Barbour, running to my classes AT MED SCI- SOOOO FREAKING far....getting to know LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF new people ..like the whole freaking asian community at umich [it felt so odd], I was vicepresdient of hall council, research position with the psychology department, PLEDGING???? still thought about having a boyfriend :( this was the semester JUST after yonsei and meeting alllllll the girls =] we would later meet up in september, december and then the summer after...

4 years...fresh year. Oct 2000
...I was still with Hendrick, probably having my first round of exams- bio, chem? taking intro to Korean, ballet, yoga, drawing on the side, working at the dry cleaners, talked with my roommate Lauren, I think hendro and i went to a rave around this time too...the weather was so chilly... the autumn leaves...snuggling under covers..that's what i remember... running down state street with my stuff, being all pissed off at the cold weather and running over to his place at 1 in the morning and thinking about an exam the next morning at 8am..

5 years...my time off. Oct 1999
...I was probably training for my last regionals.. coaching my own students, THIS WAS THE YEAR that realized my FAMILY WAS NOT PERFECT... my brother was away at school and we would call him and he would be TOTALLY out of it. this when all the TALK my mom used to tell me about my dad SUNK IN..and i was like WHAT THE HECK?? this is when i felt that my FAMILY NEEDED a change
something was odd, something was missing...... a family???
**
taking lessons from Brenda..this was also the year that Brenda met her future husband AT regionals..I wasn't really talking to my mom w/o fighting about Hendrick, I was working at the dry cleaners....later I would go to SEattle and live, skating, work at a motel and stay with my sister and Ilho until she gave birth to her first daughter, isabella =]
I would meet Eliza this year- my first korean american girl friend who was NOT from my church/Michigan and she would introduce me to the 'asian scene' of SEattle.. we would go clubbing on booty night, i would watch as the girls got all slutty to go out to impress the spikey haired boys, eliza was an AWESOME dancer and i remember wanting to just LET go and totally get into dancing with sex appeal [instead of like some childish ballerina]
we would get bubble tea for my first time, i remember udub's LUSH campus~~~ the beautiful apple? blossom trees that line the entire campus.......
I remember driving around in Seattle's hazy weather-- constantly gray mist..really dreamy like..
like you were in the middle of a cloud...
i remember holding isabella in my arms...just after she was born..

oct 1998. my senior year in high school..
..i wonder if i found out that i got into umich? not yet...and then i decided i was going to defer in order to keep training with christopher..
i was skating with chris
i was throwing parties at my house for the first time... drinking for my first time, and skipping my first class XP all the 'smarty, jock-y' kids that the teachers all trusted/liked were going through semi-rebellion/celebration of their last year at GIHS........ it was an atmosphere out of sitcoms and sweetvalley books... i was a scrawny, smiley, happy..17 year old..blissfully, quietly, obliviously going through life...