My Thoughts on Abuse: Part II

I just read a post by XXXXXX XXXXX dated March 29, 2015 that states that he denies any and all sexual abuse allegations against him, accused by a former gf/lover, XXXXXXXXX. Being that I have heard many stories on abuse since this, I have seen the positive affects of what has happened in the aftermath of the abuse allegations. Not only was XXXXXX accused and found "guilty" by most of the Facebook community, the outcry led to other women also stating and coming forward with their own stories of abuse in their pasts with "men of power" in the literary community.

I, too, silently and on this blog stated my own story of abuse. It's true, that someone is to blame, sadly, when someone else is hurt by another. And I do feel for that person who has done the wrong-doing. I don't really say that they be persecuted by society, and harmed or have vengance against them, but I do want to say that these stories of abuse are real, true, and accurate, and should not be denied, turned against the victim, or sought to bear reverse blame. It's more about healing, than revenge. It's more about liberating the past, than being the winner. It's more about the truth, than hiding in pain. It's more about going the RIGHT way, than the wrong.

I have gone over years of abuse in my own life, silently, and told not to say anymore. I have yelled in my car to myself with symptoms of PTSD on how to stop the "raping" in my own life. I am not a victim, and I am not free from crimes. I, too, have made mistakes. But it was not on purpose, and was not deliberately to hurt anyone. If anything, I have worked hard to move forward, make amends, and fix my behavioral mistakes. Many of which came at a time when my disorder was new to me, when my diagnosis was still unclear, and my medicines were not quite adequate to deal with my sever mental debilitation. I was severely psychotic for at least 2 years, but not manic nor depressed. Therefore, the psychosis manifested itself in thoughts and delusional thinking. But it was very close to reality, and trying to resolve a confusing present situation of trauma, unfairness, unpredictability, and relationship instability.

I'm going to try and delineate both the good and bad. Not to justify myself, but to form an accurate picture, a picture I have desperately tried to form for the past 5 years, since my move to the San Francisco Bay Area. I admit, I tried to force myself to remember, but did so unsuccessfully. It still pains me to try to "remember everything," but in a weird way I do "remember everything." I still feel it as if it were yesterday. I think about it, a lot, out of nowhere. It haunts me. I was in constant fear of things "happening again" and it's still somewhat with me.