The hot rays of light, shining on my eyeballs
Humid, hot heat
Rising from the energy that emanates from within
If only abuse wasn't about blaming
What if instead
It was about healing
Winning
Progressing
Moving forward
Moving on
Moving Away
Moving past you
What if
It wasn't about you
What if
It was about
Me
Instead of you
***
It kind of sickens me when people victim-blame. You know, when someone accused of abuse turns the blame on the victim who suffered the abuse, saying things like, "You brought it upon yourself," "You did this to yourself," "It's your mind doing it to you." Do you notice: There is no me in you? Do you notice there is an absence of the "I"? Somehow the passivity of excluding oneself from a situation, is then actually apart of the abuse itself?
***
Today, I was victim-blamed. I was. To me, I was blamed for my own suffering that was caused by someone else. I have to say it to myself: not all of my suffering from a few years ago was solely brought upon by myself. This is about blame. Blaming my suffering on the ones who abused me. Yes. I admit it, I whistle-blow, I say it loud and proud. I feel good about it. I feel great about it. I don't feel guilty, not in the least bit. Sure.
I take responsibility for my actions. I do. Really, I do. I married to it. I feel the need to always succeed; I'm a people pleaser, and yet, the number one person I please is myself. Call me an ambitious hedonist? I suppose. I gotta move on, I gotta move forward; for once in my life, I have to blame, but blame correctly. I think it's apart of healing, I think it's apart of growing, I think it's apart of forgiving, I think it's apart of forgetting.
It's hard to be accused, to be seen as bad, and to be treated poorly with negative words, remarks, comments, and energy. It's hard not to give in and give it back. Throw it back. To not take the abuse. But if someone doesn't take the abuse, which does exist, then what happens to that energy? According physics, someone actually has to take abuse, if it exists. Do you get it?
I'm so sick of labels. I'm sick of the past 10 years. I'm sick of myself. I'm sick of my mind; I'm sick of words, words with no meaning, words that remind me of myself, a mirror of the grotesque, a mirror of my shell that was name called. That was blamed, that was blamed for all of my suffering. Haruki. I will say his name. He told me I did it to myself. He wasn't the only one. Everyone around me said I was a burden. Said it was my fault that they were so troubled. That I was the one causing trouble.
I am not an abuser. I don't ever want to place abuse in a system. There are ways to take and elevate abuse; systemic abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, pain, suffering. I have always had my mind on healing, and being a healer. It shocks me to death to see someone in any form of pain. It's my heart that hearts, hearts for the abuse. I vow never to be below this standard. "First, do no harm." If someone needs to take it, I guess it will be me. Someone's got to do it, right?
***
Today, I was victim-blamed. I was. To me, I was blamed for my own suffering that was caused by someone else. I have to say it to myself: not all of my suffering from a few years ago was solely brought upon by myself. This is about blame. Blaming my suffering on the ones who abused me. Yes. I admit it, I whistle-blow, I say it loud and proud. I feel good about it. I feel great about it. I don't feel guilty, not in the least bit. Sure.
I take responsibility for my actions. I do. Really, I do. I married to it. I feel the need to always succeed; I'm a people pleaser, and yet, the number one person I please is myself. Call me an ambitious hedonist? I suppose. I gotta move on, I gotta move forward; for once in my life, I have to blame, but blame correctly. I think it's apart of healing, I think it's apart of growing, I think it's apart of forgiving, I think it's apart of forgetting.
It's hard to be accused, to be seen as bad, and to be treated poorly with negative words, remarks, comments, and energy. It's hard not to give in and give it back. Throw it back. To not take the abuse. But if someone doesn't take the abuse, which does exist, then what happens to that energy? According physics, someone actually has to take abuse, if it exists. Do you get it?
I'm so sick of labels. I'm sick of the past 10 years. I'm sick of myself. I'm sick of my mind; I'm sick of words, words with no meaning, words that remind me of myself, a mirror of the grotesque, a mirror of my shell that was name called. That was blamed, that was blamed for all of my suffering. Haruki. I will say his name. He told me I did it to myself. He wasn't the only one. Everyone around me said I was a burden. Said it was my fault that they were so troubled. That I was the one causing trouble.
I am not an abuser. I don't ever want to place abuse in a system. There are ways to take and elevate abuse; systemic abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, pain, suffering. I have always had my mind on healing, and being a healer. It shocks me to death to see someone in any form of pain. It's my heart that hearts, hearts for the abuse. I vow never to be below this standard. "First, do no harm." If someone needs to take it, I guess it will be me. Someone's got to do it, right?
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