Split, in the heart.

I think writing has made me more flighty, less grounded, more sensitive, less feeling, more "uplifted" and less emotional, for another person, that is. See, I'm finding my way through a relationship, but I find myself avoiding more talking points than what seems natural.

Maybe it's a race issue? Maybe it's a gender issue? Maybe it's an age issue? Maybe it's another issue of another issue of another issue. Maybe I just have issues? Could be. But I know that I'm not saying a lot of things, especially when it comes to the way I feel and I do know that most of it has to do with "standards" and "expectations" and with what I'm supposedly "looking" for in a significant other.

I know that I want to be with someone who loves writing, in some way, shape, or form. Someone who loves to read, and someone who loves to express and articulate. It's irresistible, completely and utterly. I wonder, do other people find such secret joy in the way that another person can talk? Hmm. If only..

Do other people feel that way about surgery? Business? Politics? Or even art? I sure hope so. Something has to keep the world going, I know it isn't the way that I think.

But as much as writing and the written word, and even, the spoken word save me, I'm at a loss at finding a true love. Someone who is willing to sacrifice for me, someone who is willing to take all the time in the world for me, someone who can lose control, but gain control as my love at the same time. Why does it seem as if I over power the one that I'm in love with? I feel as if by once being an elite athlete, and this sound rather "grotesque," and even somewhat arrogant, in a way, it somehow hinders the way that a man makes love to me, and ultimately, how he feels and expresses himself around me. It's horrible and depressing to admit that I feel such a strength: a quiet, tempered, controlled, and enlightened sense of physicality.

Basically, I'm just trying to feel better and about the way that things have been going in my physical relationship. I need a guy who is truly brave, and understanding, and who perhaps, has been through many mysterious body woes, so much so that it makes the mind, body, and soul ache. I wonder, deeply wonder, about these mysteries. They aren't even related to writing and yet I started this by talking about a passion, a supposed passion for writing!

Perhaps I am not willing to move out of my comfort zone, but I hope that is not the case.