I have 4 email accounts, a xanga, a blogger, another (lost) blogger, a wordpress page, a xanga, a friendster account, a myspace, 3 bank accounts, just one credit card (thank goodness, but another one on its way), 2 passwords for my apartment, friends spread across the states, and across thin air, really. I have parents who have multiple businesses/multiple (heartbreaking) affairs, and siblings who have personality issues due to my 'rehab' state of life, and not because of any bipolar Korean diasporic stereotype. Let alone deal with 2 relationship outlooks, one of which the potential SO(??) decided to delve into my academic past - one that is filled with embarassment, extreme paranoia and anxiety, issues with sex and ways of talking about, white lies, and trust issues, whic are still rampant. The other decided to go towards my relationship past, which I think is better but definitely has more room for high trust and low trust, meaning that there can be a crazy strong bond or one that is filled with manipulation and shouting matches. I have a working computer and a working cell phone that's about it. And whether or not I feel adequately connected, I have no say in it whatsoever. They are my only arms in during these post-modern times, and, therefore, I have no means of communication that tells me the sweet truth of what is happening to my original (and drama-tested) friends who stuck it out with me, except for one person who I would trust with my life - if that isn't a crazy amount of pressure, then I don't know what is.
How do I hang on to what is real in the world, let alone build my OWN future that I WANT? How is any girl to manage this kind of life that I le(a)d without getting completely disrepsected for DEMANDING that she make these choices for herself? Especially since it has been guys calling the shots for two years of my life now. It's not difficult to say that I feel some sort (unsurprised disappointment) of gender hierarchy, and if I'm expected to sail through this without any sort of help, well, that's completely unfair, and just downright hurtful, besides coming to the CLEAR realization that this kind of life HAS to have some level of support, but not a support that forces one into complete submission and resignation, your basic prison if you will.
This is the Information Age that I'm talking about, and one who is left blinded could use secret weapons and underhanded means of control with backdoors and locked trapdoors. But if this is really the case, then is this life truly worth living? Is there any sincere guarantee for me through all of this? Will I just be another carbon copy of a copy of a copy or can I choose self-determination, a path filled with an absolute sense of desire and reason. I'm not going to force others to do what I want them to do, and I'm not going to look down on people for not having the resources that only the elite share, and with no sense of self respect at that. Am I going to feed off of another and decide death over life or am I going to see the a new world filled with endless resource that let's me do as I please and avoid the reality of what feels when all's said and done. WIll I feel complete? Will I feel fulfilled and what if the sense of fulfillment is blinded by a sense of obligation? What is the difference between talent and what one should do for the greater good? Does it even matter if it's only about a place filler?
But I'd choose this blinded way of life, again, over and over in a heartbeat. I chose to cut the umbilical cord the day that he didn't choose me, so why would I let anyone have that chance to take my life away from me yet again? I was ready to do anything and everything, anything it took to take that path that he took, to understand everything that he did in order to appease what she was feeling. Was my life that insignificant for me to decide such a life? To think that I could serve as some sort of closing gap between them, and to think that I actually tried with everything that I had. Was I even old enough to understand myself? Decades of experience, and it didn't matter, the untaught lessons and that wasn't realized, the unspoken apologies and that was never given. Did I ask for an unconditional sense of generousity? So much so that it's uncontrollable nature would later destroy everything that it stood for?
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