well...

so the gypo thing will come later~
i'm worried about that for the months to come....
but anyway.
before, it really centered around my parents.
and considering what has happened with my family
i dont really want to think negatively, or 'critcally' analyze
my relationship with them anymore. i dont want to 'believe what i want to believe'
in order to make myself feel better. ideal marriage? i used to look up to my sister and her husband, but i can't trust them either right now

the conflict, what about the conflict? i dont want to feel conflict anymore
now, i think they are inhabited by other people
and that freaks me out enough
=(
supposed to 'live my life' right? what about just going away to korea for year and learning korean~ saving up some money~ going for something that i may not get a chance to do later...

sometimes i miss fighting with my mom and my brother. at least i knew that they were really them~ and no one else
it seems better that my issues with my family have subsided but
it feels sort of hollow at the same time
another distance
it's like the loose ends of my life~ trying to tie things up before i bounce out of here
are not only in terms of health concerns, financial stability, cell phone bills, credit card stuff
but a slow and sort of fast -tearing off the band aid- emotional detachment
which started last summer
how can one go from being totally paranoid and completely caught up within oneself
to being totally ok?
and being able to talk freely about myself?
w/o diving into work as some sort of outlet?

and now i'm feeling jealousy and pangs of slight bitterness again
thinking that it's the 'mature' thing for people to do to just
move on to another person

or the fact that i always try to say good things about others
(hey, we all talk shit in our heads...)
but to gossip and spread stuff about others
it's a fact of life that the high school gossiping and sweet valley high sort of thing never fades out but mutates into 'higher' forms of obscure communication and banter
it's so disheartening
especially when i try to have this personal motto of
surround yourself with those you admire

who are you supposed to admire in the situation above?

at this point, i really admire mothers.