hm.. my voice..

just before thanksgiving...this emotional climax hit
and i felt like i was going to have this heart attack
i wanted to scream, cry, accuse, question...all at the same time
and yet i had to keep going..why
why not just quit
right?

i didn't want to stop b/c here is not a reality, and it won't be until i leave and come back

23 years in michigan.

Anyway, so unfortunately my voice/emotion died and my heart was seriously hurting.
My life had been attacked and ripped to shreds..so it felt like~ but was it really happening? This power of allegory and objectification
i hate it, but what can i do?
am i really the feminist i thought i was? or do i just feel a connection to voiceless woman
OR do i get ANGRY at voiceless woman, i hear her complaints but will he ever know?
maybe i'm angry at unchageable man
and get TIRED of being this OVERLY expressive LOUD voice
expect me to be normal, but IS THIS NORMAL?
not my own voice
i dont want this voice.
tired of being caught in the middle
tired of being pushed into it
i want my own voice
----

you can oppress, repress, suppress ...whatever...to a voice
and you can encourage others that only serve your own self-absorbtion
but to accuse another, to stigmatize, to marginalize
i wonder often times wonder what the truth really is~ and i used to wonder that ALL The time between my parents. who was the one lying? and why weren't they listening to one another? why do i feel caught in the middle

i used to wonder what he was thinking
and perhaps now, after aruging with my brother..we've shaped the pieces into a picture
to make sense of it for ourselves
is that what drove another to find sanctuary somehow
to escape from the misunderstanding, the confusion
their own way out... my father's was through surgery, something that binds him and frees him, like every organizing principle..

expression
this is my freedom of expression
and i now realize how deeply i care about certain things
i just do...
this semester it REALLY was becoming overwhelming, so you separate yourself from it~ psychologically keep a distance before you can look again and get a better handle
i'm angry that i get caught up in it somehow
and i get angry at my inability to say it clearly
or the courage to just say it

i'm afraid that it comes out....too fast, too intense, but that's the way i like it
that's who i am
and i cant help
not yet
not when it's just the beginning