Racing Hearts

My heart has been racing a lot these days, and it's not due to all the romance in my life, sadly. I wish I could say that the relationships in my life are going well, and that how I feel about them is just peachy, but it's not. I can't help but give a disappointed sigh and feel completely confused as to why I even feel so stressed out about my life, in general.

It isn't *so* difficult, making a cross-country move that is. I did just get back from living on the other side of the world. But perhaps that's what's making this move that much more difficult. Besides the move, I'm also heavily considering my future career choices, and that's enough to make any girl feel like she's throwing herself into a mid-life crisis.

But the thing is... going through these "mid-life crises" is nothing new to me, and 'dealing' with them isn't anything that I haven't been through before, and with a workload that was 3x more exhausting.

So what is it with my stress levels and with my sleepless nights?

I'm not out partying. I'm not sneaking out to see someone without telling my parents like I did back in high school, and I don't have too much on my plate. If anything, I'm taking things at a much more relaxed pace, in terms of my own responsibilities.

And my supposed love-interest, dating routines haven't changed all *that* much, honestly speaking. It's the same distance love-hate cycle that I find myself going through, and teaching others about. Frown.

What truly is bothering me is adjusting back into my family life: my parents are over 60 and one is just starting a new career, while the other is ending one. Yes, my father, a doctor of over 30 years, is ending his medical practice and retiring before 65. My mother, on the other hand, is just starting her career (at 62) as a successful (thank GOD) restauranteer, something that she completely enjoys and yet compells her to work over 70 hours a week. What is the last child of the family to do about *her* life?

The thing is... again, I've been through that before.

I've written about life-crises, I've backpacked through Europe and zoned out about my career choices, and I've written about Asian family matters and fighting against tradition in order to feel like one can even BREATHE.

SO what's my problem? Why the sleepless nights and why the uncontrollable heart rates? Am I trying to exercise in my sleep, too?! God, I hope not. And this is getting redundant, and I do want to end this with some sense of resolve.

But everyday, it seems, is ending with the hopes of resolution, and yet none is truly found, or met, I should say. I have hopes that are hanging over my head, and I have past projects that I wanted to complete, and I have future career choices that ARE difficult, ever bit as challenging as they are completely new to me, and it IS difficult to deal with this all at once. Or am I just consoling myself in order to find the lost sleep that's left my life?

Oh GOD I want to just sleep peacefully. And I want to live effortlessly, especially at my age, a so-called PRIME. But I my mind feels like shit and I try everyday to fill it with good things, but it's just not happening. I have to find someway to find some inner peace, and something that helps my mind to find somesort of wave that is comforting, if not just plain easy.

How I expect to do that...? In the past, it was by blogging. *Hopefully* it'll be blogging, once again.