I'm not really sure how I'm feeling these days, though I know I should know how I'm feeling. It's a strange feeling to know that your ex-boyfriend is posting comments by you, your friends are strangely ruminating over your friendship (I guess I 'feel it', too) and your parents are starting to change in the ways that you always wanted them to, and your brother - the self-proclaimed "black sheep" of the family - is no longer in a mental abyss, one that you worried about for years, but is now doing great things with his life. And your sister, well, she's always been the beauty queen that she wanted to be.
I've been through so much in the past 2 years, and I haven't even been given an official MASTERS degree! I feel like I could complain about the University of Michigan foreva-eva. I don't even know how or why. It's just this mode, a role, a decoy. I have to stop. It's making me feel ugly, abused, and like an idiot, forever rolling up my rock up against a hill. Why do social groups have to feel that way, as if I'm constantly fighting agaist the grain? Maybe it's just me! ahhhahaha Wow, what a realization.
But, a lot has been accomplished. Everything that was broken during my later three years of tumultuous brain turning and churing has been re-evaluated and tended to.
-I no longer go through inefficient cycling in my mind, the kind that keeps churing through an endless problem, and which inveitably leads to a lot more stress than the human body can realistically handle.
-I no longer go through self-defeating thoughts, which tell me that there isn't any solution to anything, and that I'm wrong wrong wrong. It was always about fixing some mistake in college, something which prevented me from truly seeing people around me, though I did have some complex about my age, anyway. Ah, older Korean kids and how they change once they become an "Uni", or a "Noona". Blah. I got so tired of feeling older than my peers, but I actually really enjoy it now, considering everything I was taught this year. I've learned a lot about the backstage processes of college life. There are so many secrets, and so many directions that people can go in.
-I no longer have constipation problems, and an incredibly slow metabolism. Perhaps it was due to a TOXIC COLON, I'm not so sure yet, but I've done a LOT in order to overcome it, like Lemon Cleansing, eating DARK green vegetables cooked in the *right* oils, adding FIBER to my diet, and reducing the amount of junk that I eat, and keeping in mind the way that I digest my food and how it travels through my COLON. Did my colon muscles cease to function? Did my polyups explode? Did my stomach not produce enough acids or enzymes? Did I do something by taking drugs and whatever else, in college? (No. Usually those pills go through the body and metabolize rather quickly, espeically due to their experimental nature. They are ment to produce a quick change and therefore they exit quickly. That's the nature and behavior of the WAY pills work. In the mean time, I've secretly adhered to EASTERN medicines and tea drinking as not only a meditative remedy, but also a source of therapy. The mind also goes through a lot of turmoil when the body ceases to work normally. Therefore the way "normal" should feel no longer feels what you think it should feel and the entire experience of feeling "healthy" becomes this rabbit hole. It's completely insane, scary, and most of all STRESSFUL. Therefore, tea drinking and the warmth that one feels somehow has a way to soothe the senses, but most importantly, a stressed nervous system. Think about that one! The nervous system is focused in our spine, and where all of our nerves and feelings stem from. If you aren't sensing or percieving things correctly, then how do you think other things are going to start to function? It's good that I found my "parks" and ways of calming MYSELF down, besides the the sad costs to finding this mental plane, like the mental glaze that occurs after my stress limit is maxed out. This is what I think about.
-I no longer have this horrible outlook on Michigan Life, due to living there for too long and not feeling stimulated by anything.
-Was it depression? Not necessarily, but sort of. Just burn out.
-I no longer get straight to the point of a job (or possible "career") due to my TRUE enjoyment of TEACHING, and realization of how much I love being around children. It feels really energizing, sort of.
-I have time to workout to the MAX. I have crazy mitochondria, or something weird about my muscles. I need the sweat, and LOTS of it. But I'm going to find a secret to working out and metabolism and weight loss. muahahah Just like all the other aestheticians in KOREA! Woohoo. Inspiring, in a really weird way.
-I no longer HATE FOOD. Though I still dislike a lot of different OILY foods, and yet have some weird attraction to them, too. It SUCKS but I LOVE FRENCH FRIES! hahaha And I can't stand it, but I know that it helps me to digest to some degree.
-I no longer have a crazy weird need to upchuck my food due to my issues with weight, my changing body, and my outlook on the way my body was changing. Yes, I turned into a bulimic during my last 2 years of college. T.T
YES! What a crazy sort of confession. What Asian girl wants to admit that?!?!? HHAHAHAH NO ONE! That's who. But you kno what, there are a lot of Asian girls, white girls, black girls, brown girls, and all sort of girls who have crazy eating disorders and weight issues. (Especially those who stay in a lot, don't get a lot of exercise, and sit on their butts a lot. Aw..) It feels wild, crazy, and out of control, when the human body is changing, when a girl goees through PUBERTY at 20 years of age, and is trying, oh so desperately, to detach herself from her first boyfriend's pillows. T.T Who cries about an ex-boyfriend who helped her sleep at night? Who cries about not being able to sleep peacefully for three years, and only had to force herself to change her sleeping in order to save her aging process. YES, you age so much more quickly when you don't get enough sleep. It sucks, it's stressful and I ABHOR not sleeping well at night, not sleeping before midnight, and not getting SEVEN hours of sleep a night. Oh, whoa is me, and whoa are my nightmareish dreams when I can't seem to find the place in my thoughts that I want to be. Why can I just go there? Why can't I be free of such bodily pains? Why am I changing so God dayum much? Why do I feel so fucking cursed? Maybe I just enjoy the extremes, maybe I just enjoy the pride in the BODY, maybe it's addicting, maybe it's the intoxication, maybe it's the bliss... oh the freedom from the straight life, the exit out of the boredom of surbubia. ahahhaha It's something different, to say the least.
-My need to unload baggage was lessened. Yahoo! Who wants to complain 24/7?!?! Geesh! Who wants to feel like they're getting older, aging faster, feeling crappier, feeling lesser than what one should feel.... at this age? At this time in my life? What am I doing to feel this way? Why...?
-My crazy guilty phase ended only a couple of months ago. It was a crazy battle with a "guilt complex" due to an over manipulative boyfriend and and early sex life at 18 years old. I was too young to talk about it with friends, in a healthy way, because most of my friends were younger and still VIRGINS. It was utterly cute, and heart warming, but it also gave me nothing to talk about at times, especially during my hormonal spikes. Yes, I also went through puberty during college! I grew like 3 inches up and 3 inches out. Yikes. Eventually, I got a lot more lanky, like when I lost all the baby fat!
-I've become a woman.
The end. ahahha
And my friends...? Will they ever know how much I love and care for them. Will they ever realize how many nights I spent deciding "is it worth it, is it worth spending this moment like this.."
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