back from Tokyo...

I feel so much better, so relieved, so unburdened and cleansed. I'm now back in Hongdae and yes it feels familiar, bubbly, and happy...I have my life and work cut out for me, in a sense, with art classes and teaching, yet here I am blogging. Why?

There is a discord, a disconnection, a gap. Laughing feels good and it rises out of me and ends up in this uncontrollable smirk. Knowing glances around me laugh upon recognizing it, and her head turns down with slight envy yet unsurprised. At times, put it all aside and not blame her for the shots that have been made. What else is one to do after the mounting pressures that are exacerbated by jealousy?

But what can I do to make you laugh? Especially after coming back from Tokyo, I'm me and you are you, so why force being with someone who doesn't feel the same way? Why not realize this emotional disconnection. At times our words sound the same, our age says that we should feel similar, but are we looking for the same thing? We may be struggling for the same outcome, both moving towards the same huge goal, but is it so simialar? Did this all build up b/c we are trying to hard to hold on? To what...

I feel so inadequate. I feel that I always lose. That what I have to say is the result of the highroad, is only after I must defend myself..forcing the comebacks..scraping the bird crap off the sidewalk in order to walk over it again. I wonder, why not just completely change everything? Perhaps it's that possiblity which is also making me question where I am and who I'm with